Renegotiating the Mental Load and Managing Resentment in Relationships

You may not be able to fully convey the stress that you’re feeling, but the dishes aren’t done and your mother-in-law is coming over, and the towels aren’t clean, and the kids need to have money in their lunch account, and the dogs need their nails trimmed, and your supervisor needs the notes from the meeting, and you forgot to sign the field trip permission slip, and you forgot that one thing at the grocery store but you really need it, and, and, and…

Carrying the mental load is exhausting. Not only are you expected to be present for all areas of your life, but you have to plan ahead, be thoughtful and absorb all of the stress and emotions around you without displaying anything yourself. And you have to be able to deal with whatever comes your way if things don’t go according to plans. This is enough to drive anyone to their breaking point. However, often we express these feelings of overwhelm and frustration through resentment.

Resentment is a corrosive feeling that can start as a whisper and quickly become a violent roar. Resentment often rears its ugly head when we are feeling unsupported, unseen, unheard and undervalued. While resentment is an awful thing to feel, it is trying to tell us something if we choose to listen.

When we can lean into our emotions rather than push them aside until they erupt, they often hold valuable information for us. For example, if you are feeling resentful because you are taking on more responsibilities at home than your partner, you might become passive aggressive by the comments that you make towards them. In turn, they will likely become defensive and feel anger and frustration towards you. This could end with sparks flying and feelings hurt.

However, if you can turn to your partner and tell them that you’re feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done and you need his help, you as a couple can have a different conversation. By slowing down, recognizing the signs that our bodies are communicating to us through the emotion (what am I feeling right now?), and asking for more information (what do I need?), we can use the feelings and thoughts in a positive way rather than allowing resentment to build up and take complete control.

Phrases to avoid when feeling resentful towards your partner:

It’s always me. How come you never help?

Don’t you see what needs to be done?

Why didn’t you do that?

Why do I always have to do everything?

When we use the word why, it automatically puts the other person on the defensive. When we ask a why question it is often answered with “because.” Instead, use compassionate curiosity and ask for what you mean. Try to avoid blame and defensiveness with your partner.

Here are some helpful phrases to try when you start to feel resentment towards your partner:

I’m struggling with this. Can you help me?

I need to take a break. I’m feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.

I need you.

It would mean a lot to me if you could ___ (help with the dishes, pick up the kids, etc.).

I’m feeling like we are on two different pages. What ideas do you have to reconnect?

I’m feeling like the tasks at home aren’t even. I would like to renegotiate what we do at home. When would be a good time to talk about this?

If you feel like the resentment is building and becoming unmanageable, it may be time to seek help. Couples counseling can be an effective way to learn to manage feelings of resentment and lighten the mental load. Modern Thrive Counseling is here to help you manage the mental load, decrease resentment towards your partner, and increase communication skills!