Embrace and Increase High-Quality Connections
Reflection Question: Who in my life might benefit from more compassion and positive regard?
We know that by providing compassion and positive feelings, it can increase our sense of connection with others. However, we often do not think about providing this to the people closest to us. While it is easy to assume that the people closest to us know how we feel about them, they might not, and we may have to go back to basics with how to connect with them. Whether it is a parent, child, sibling, partner or best friend, we can improve the functioning of even the closest relationships by a few steps.
Reflection Question: How might a relationship change if I reoriented my thinking to accept a person for who they are, not who I want them to be?
By learning to accept the people in our lives for who they are and not expecting them to be something that they are not, we can find peace and freedom as well as more compassion for them. We can recognize their unique gifts and decrease the level of disappointment we feel when they don’t show up in the ways we once expected. While there is grief in letting go of the version of them you wish they could be, you can authentically connect with the person they actually are.
By using these simple 6 steps, you can increase the connection you feel with people closest to you.
1. Respectful engagement: Engage with your loved ones in a way that sends a message of their value and worth to you. When there has been someone in your life for years, you may respond to them with short, passive aggressive answers from years of being together. While there may be underlying pain, it is important to remember that every interaction with this person matters and it can move your relationship forward. It is important that they feel respected and cared for by you. If you are unable to do this, there is likely a rupture in the attachment that could be causing you harm both personally and relationally. This is an opportunity for you to reflect on how you feel when you are with this person, and what you might need to be able to show up in a respectful way.
2. Be present: Bring our full attention to the other person. Put your phone away; the messages can wait. While this can be extremely challenging, it is important that we give our attention to our partner, child, sibling, parent when we are with them. When they feel like they matter to you, it is easier for them to be open and vulnerable, and vice versa.
3. Listen to Understand: Really listen, not just for the sake of coming up with a response, but to understand what the other person is going through and where they are coming from. This can be so difficult to do! However, when we slow down to hear and absorb what the person is telling us rather than feeling like we have to respond right away, it can completely change the dynamic of the conversation and possibly the relationship. You may want to say something like, “I’m taking all of this in right now. Thank you for telling me.” This step can challenge our ego and need to be right, but when we can listen from a place of compassion and understanding, the dynamic naturally shifts.
4. Be a person of your Word: Show up when you say you will. Do what you say you’re going to do. Time is one of the most valuable resources we have, and all of the money in the world can’t buy us more time, so use it wisely! When our loved ones feel like they matter to us in actionable ways, they start to let their guard down, and again, the dynamic naturally begins to shift.
5. Communicate: I like to tell my clients that it is not cute or sexy, but when we directly ask for what we need, more often than not the other person will try their best to give it to us. We cannot expect others to read our minds or know how we feel unless we share our feelings explicitly. You can ask your friend, partner, parent, etc., “I have a lot on my mind right now. Do you have space to just listen? I’m not ready for solutions yet.” Or “Could you give me a hug when I see you?” Or “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now and I need to go for a walk. Would you come with me?”
6. Task Enabling: This step is especially helpful for parenting or being a leader. We can help facilitate another’s successful performance through deliberate delegation and empowerment of tasks. Each situation and person will call for different approaches.
Coach: Provide training and guidance with clear expectations and feedback.
Facilitate: Help foster connections for others; match them with opportunities that will optimize their success.
Accommodate: Be flexible and willing to adjust our expectations to others’ needs and circumstances.
Nurture: When we are warm and approachable, we keep the door open for others to share what they need.