Understanding the Purpose of Rage

Understanding the Purpose of Rage

A Summary from the work of Juliane Taylor Shore, LMFT, LPC, SEP

Rage is an extremely uncomfortable emotion, both to feel and to witness. Rage is often the scariest emotion because it can make us feel like we are out of control. Rage is also an emotion that breaks off connection and isolates the person who is raging even more. So why do we do it?

Let’s go back to the beginning. We all have what’s called the seeking system in our brain. This is the system that reaches out for comfort and connection. If we look at infants and their use of crying, anger, and rage, it points us back to a need for connection. Infants look for eye contact; when that is met, you might get a smile, a giggle, or a happier response from that infant. That infant experienced a release of oxytocin when they received loving eye contact and connection. If the need for connection does not get answered, an infant can then start to panic. They are communicating to the caretakers that they need something and aiming to get our attention. This is meant to bring the caregiver back into care. They may need a diaper change, a bottle, to be burped or just to be held. When we do not have verbal language, we get our needs met in the only way we know how; through our body language and emotion. If the panic is not met by a caregiver, the infant will move into fear crying which is more intense. The infant is communicating that something is really wrong, and if this does not get soothed by the caregiver, the infant then moves into rage.

If a person lived in a home growing up where the other cues were not attuned to, it is understandable that they would move into rage quicker than someone who was attended to at those lower bids for connection. You were taught that raging works for connection.

Now fast forward, an adult is raging. But why? They know how to ask for what they need. They have language to express themselves. Well, it’s not quite that simple. When an adult is raging, their prefrontal cortex is what we call “off-line” and they are not using the part of the brain that allows us to think critically, ask for help, take breaks, and take a deep breath. They have moved into the survival state that once worked for them to get their needs met.

Our brains respond to kindness more than anything else. Our brains are scanning for danger four times a second. Let me repeat that again; our brains scan for danger four times a second. When one person is raging and they learn that the only way they are heard is to yell, and the other person is feeling scared and unsafe, this creates a break in the connection. This is where unlearning patterns of rage can greatly impact relationships. The person who is raging ultimately wants connection but is pushing loved ones away. How can we lean in and soothe the inner child in them that’s begging to be seen and cared for?

By trauma reprocessing, individuals can learn to tend to their emotional needs and decrease their rage reactivity. We understand that your rage was a protector for you; it kept you safe and got you what you needed. However, it’s not working for you anymore. It is important to learn skills to deescalate that rage response so that you don’t continue to push your loved ones away. But we understand that your rage is bid for connection, and we honor that it has worked for you before. By leaning into self-compassion, emotional regulation, distress tolerance and trauma reprocessing, you can learn how to communicate without rage and increase the quality of your relationships.