The Ripple Effect of Self-Compassion

“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”

-Rupi Kaur

I used to chase self-esteem. I thought that in order to feel good about myself, I needed to do the most and be the best. I believed that a strong self-esteem would help me feel better, so I worked hard to build up my arsenal of self-esteem tactics. And just as I was starting to feel better, someone could voice a negative opinion of me, and my self-esteem would come crashing down. I was left with the pieces and I grew tired of building up my self-esteem over and over again. 

What is self-esteem?

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, an expert in self-compassion research, self-esteem is a global evaluation of self-worth. It is a judgement between yourself and those around you. Self-esteem operates on the idea that in order to have worth and value, one must be above average, or special. In this way, individuals with low self-esteem feel that they cannot measure up; they feel less than those around them, and they are constantly evaluating what they cannot do. Often times, symptoms of depression may result from this low self-concept. 

 On the other hand, individuals with inflated self-esteem feel that they must be better than others. They feel that they must be above average in everything they do. Our society has led us to believe that being average is an insult, and we should aspire to reach higher than average in order to stand out. With this logic, individuals often become obsessed with image, ability, and endurance. They may shame others who cannot keep up and feel internalized shame if they fall short of their perceived expectations. When we use self-esteem to be the foundation of our self-worth, it may become routine to find faults in others just to build ourselves up. 

In addition, many individuals believe that in order to motivate themselves, they must be self-critical. There is a common mistaken belief that if we do not cut ourselves down, we will get lazy and become unmotivated. Often times, symptoms of depression and anxiety arise because it is nearly impossible to keep up with the demands that we have placed on ourselves. 

Self-esteem is a fair-weather fan.

What is self-compassion?

If self-esteem is a global evaluation that is based on competition and contingent on success, self-compassion is the perfect antidote. Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves in a kind, empathetic way. Self-compassion helps us to connect to others through our shared experience of humanity. When we are able to recognize that mistakes are a common human experience, we suddenly do not allow these imperfections to be a barrier to connection, but rather the thread that binds us all together. Instead of isolating when we make mistakes, self-compassion allows us to realize that everyone makes mistakes and that is part of growing stronger, wiser, and more compassionate towards self and others. 

Lacking self-compassion provides challenges for youth and families. Often times, low levels of self-compassion can provide the opportunity for unhealthy relationships. Author Anis Qizilbash perfectly states, “How you treat yourself reflects how you let others treat you. If you're unkind to yourself, you create a standard for how much abuse you accept from others and as a result, end up attracting abusive and disrespectful relationships.” 

Self-compassion can offer a foundation to heal deeper wounds and promote healthier relationships.

How can I foster self-compassion in my children?

Have the courage to be imperfect. 

We all want to provide opportunities for our children to be happy and successful. However, if we demand perfection, we are depriving them of the essential learning curve required to master any skill. Additionally, we are depriving them the experience of “bouncing back” from a mistake. Mistakes are a universal human experience. If we are unable to offer positive feedback from our children’s mistakes, we may discourage their effort and deny them the joy of falling down and learning to get back up again. 

Additionally, it is important for your child to see your mistakes and how you handle them. My friends, parents are just as human as everyone else! We make mistakes, but through shame, embarrassment, or guilt, we often try to cover up our mistakes. And because we are human, we want to maintain the image our child has of us and pretend that we never make mistakes. However, the opposite reality is more beneficial for healthy self-compassion development. If your child is able to see you make a mistake and handle it with self-compassion, without losing your cool or speaking to yourself in a demeaning way, you are showing them that self-compassion is always an option, even when we make mistakes. 

Encourage positive language around self-perception. 

Self-compassion can be difficult to practice, especially when we have deeply engrained patterns that encourage us to be our own worst critic. Let me guess-you take 15 pictures with your family and you don’t like any of them! My friends, I’ve been there. But the messages that we say to ourselves, both out loud and nonverbally play a huge role in the ways our children learn to relate to themselves. If your child hears you talk badly about your appearance, that’s how they learn to see themselves. 

I invite you to be kind to yourself! Take the picture, and instead of calling out your flaws, begin to see the bravery in your vulnerability. This is not an act of arrogance, but rather a tangible way to foster your own self-compassion that will ripple to your children. Our children are always watching. Be kind to yourself!

Emphasize effort over outcome. 

It is so natural to praise the underdog win or the high achieving grade our children earn on their exams. While it feels natural to praise the outcome, it can also provide a perfect environment for self-esteem to take over. If a child only feels “good enough” when they are able to perform at a high level, they are operating on self-esteem; self-esteem is contingent on their ability. Instead, praise the effort your child is showing. Let them know that you see them working so hard to learn and retain the material. Praise them for their consistency in getting to practice, and their mindset around building their skills. When we appreciate effort over outcome, we provide an opportunity for our children to love the process of bettering themselves. They become less attached to outcome and do not feel a sense of inadequacy for a low-test score or a loss in the game. When we foster self-compassion, self-worth is not dependent on outcome. 

Self-Compassion as a ripple effect. 

Self-compassion is a key element to unlocking our children’s potential to live a full and meaningful life. It increases levels of resiliency and fosters a stronger sense of self. It provides internal structure to help with emotional regulation. 

When we can practice our own self-compassion, we emanate our feelings of wellness to our children.  And when we allow space for them to make mistakes and to see their worth as more than their outcomes, they begin to emanate their sense of wellness and compassion towards others.  And that, my friends, is a beautiful ripple effect. 

References: Neff, K. (2011) Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. William Morrow & Company.