The Ghosts of Infertility: How to understand yourself or your loved one when experiencing fertility concerns

The Ghosts of Infertility-How to understand yourself or your loved when when experiencing fertility concerns

Female-bodied individuals/women often find themselves covered in questions about marriage and children. This happens not only after long-term partnership, but when filling out paperwork for a new patient appointment, documentation for a job, and Aunt Susan’s constant questions at the family Christmas party. Women often feel the burden of providing their parents with grandchildren, and appropriately spacing apart the cousins. Female-bodied individuals/women often grow up playing House with friends or siblings so they can practice being a mommy. Needless to say, women/female-bodied individuals are inundated with messaging that they should aspire to have children.

But what about those who struggle to get pregnant?

We don’t throw a ‘Fertility-Concern Party’ or a ‘No-Baby-Yet Shower.’ No, this is often a journey that can feel so isolating and hopeless. Not only this, but women struggling with fertility often carry the ghosts of expectations, watching friends post their baby announcement on social media, still showing up for your best friend’s baby shower, smiling and chuckling at the Thanksgiving table when Grandpa Pete makes yet another joke about not having kids yet, watching the Mother’s Day posts roll in once again. There are no shortage of reminders of the ghosts that come along the journey as you navigate the world of fertility concerns.

Along with the emotional toll that fertility concerns take on an individual, there are also the physical components. The sign of a period after feeling hopeful that this month would lead to pregnancy can be devastating. Not only that, but there are hormonal changes in place that can put a person into a state of hopelessness and despair, all while experiencing the symptoms of menstruation and being reminded of this concern every time you go to the bathroom. There are pelvic exams and ultra sounds and reestablishing your story to every new provider you see. Then there is tracking your period and taking your temperature, and peeing on a fertility tracking stick, and changing your diet, and reading blogs and listening to podcasts and scheduling more appointments in the hope that maybe something will work.

Needless to say, there are plenty of reasons to feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and defeated. These are the ghosts of infertility.

So how do we support someone experiencing fertility concerns?

Whether it is you or someone you love who is struggling with fertility, be patient. Let the emotions rise and fall. Hold space for them to talk if they feel up for it, and do not make them feel bad if they do not want to share. Having a sense of control can be helpful for women who are struggling with fertility because so much feels like it is out of their hands. For friends and family members, respect that your loved one might not be ready to go to a baby shower or gender reveal party. They might get emotional seeing the social media posts roll in about a birth announcement. Your loved one will not be swallowed up by the emotion, and they have to feel these things in order to move through them, so try your best not to judge.

It is helpful to say “fertility concerns” rather than “infertility.” The term “infertility” in conversation can feel hopeless and unchangeable. When there are fertility concerns, we recognize that there is something going on but it does not box our loved one into a corner of feeling like things will never get better.

Helpful statements to say to a loved one struggling with fertility:

“I know this is really hard.”

“I’m here for you.”

“What would be helpful right now?”

“I’m in this with you; we are a team.”

“You are doing enough.”

Avoid saying things like this:

“At least you’ve got your freedom. I never sleep anymore.”

“It will happen when it’s supposed to happen.”

It is helpful to avoid unsolicited advice. If your loved one is opening up about their journey with fertility concerns, they have probably tried everything you could suggest and more. The best thing you can do is listen and not judge their emotions and experience. We often want to fix an uncomfortable situation, but this is not something can be fixed with brainstorming. Let them know that their emotions and experience is not too much for you to handle. Be a safe place for your loved one.

For women/female-bodied individuals struggling with fertility, here are some affirmations:

“I am enough.”

“My body is on my side.”

“I love what my body can do.”

“My mind is gentle.”

“My heart is open.”

“I don’t have to do this perfectly.”

“Today I see the goodness all around me.”

“I am proud of my fertility journey.”

“I act with love and intuition.”

“I trust my body.”